A Reason To Live
by TheBeautyInTheDarkness
Summary: It was hard to regain my breath as I watched the sunset once more alone behind a window, hiding myself from the world before he takes over again. He would make me a monster again soon, just how many more days do I have till everything was over and I could be freed from his existence? I am a chained bird to my own demons. Suicidal themes, Shizuo X Izaya. Emotional.
1. Prologue

Prologue:

The sound of his fan was unsettling amongst the silence. He wailed lightly as his breath became more labored, it was another one of these nights. Where he could not stop the tears that streamed down his face and his sobs were so strong they did not make a sound. Another night of utter pain, his chest constricting violently and his will to live shortening as the nights' passed.

Tomorrow morning, he will wake and he will see that same terrible person that the world sees. No one has ever noticed the pain behind his eyes, and no one will until the day he kills himself. That due date is his late form of reassurance that he has. He will slit his jugular artery on top of the tallest building of Ikebukuro, then he will finally be free. Everything he has built now will support his sisters secretly as it always has. His sisters hate him, but how could he hate the girls he raised? He has been funding their living and school expenses through scholarships and paying out the people that "care" for them. So they would never see hardship like the once he had to face when their parents died.

That night, he will finally confess to Shizuo and accept the rejection he is awaiting. He will also store Celty's head as Shinra requested away from her. He will use a portion to cover Shizuo's debt and pay off his apartment mortgage. It will be the least he could do for the years of suffering he has given him. But how could he not? Shizuo rejected him from the very beginning and attacked him.

At least now all the money he has rotting away will have some use.

Izaya wiped his face with a soft towel and took a big gulp of water. He was used to crying himself to sleep but despite that, it never got easier. He rose and walked out of his room and into the office. Opening a false bottom on one of his least used but most seen drawer he pulled out a small notebook. Within it was a few pieces of paper, they read:

_To whom may ever read this, _

_I am aware most of you will be happy to see this, that I am gone out of your life. _

_But all I can do is apologize to the havoc I cause, it is the result of my own mental demons. I know there are no words that can repair any of the damage or even any of the pain I have caused, but if there is an afterlife, I am sure I will burn in the trophies of hell. _

_My life was nothing more than a nuisance, but thankfully for most of you, I am aware of that and will do you this favor of cleansing the world of my presence before he wakes once more. _

_Sincerely, _

_The real Orihara Izaya. _


	2. Chapter 1

Chapter 1:

Tonight was the night, the night he would die. He smiled and signed the last paycheck to Namie. He took this note, his signature coat, and his knife. Every plan was completed, he paid off everything for his sisters and Shizuo. He was ready to meet him once more.

The walk through the streets was empty and long, he felt numb to everything yet so alive. How could this be? He smiled as he saw the familiar faces staring a hole into his face, perhaps it was the lack of malice from his countenance that created this effect but he couldn't be too sure. It would be any minute before he heard the serene sounds of Shizuo trying to kill him.

He wasn't wrong, "That inhuman beast," he heard from the back of his head. He shivered at the tone it was spoken in. He ran away from Shizuo leading him to the place he had planned. A lonely park, especially at night.

He made an abrupt stop in front of Shizuo, "Have you finally accepted your fate flea?!" Shizuo yelled, "I am going to tear you apart." He muttered at Izaya.

Izaya smiled at Shizuo, "Not before I tell you something," He closed his eyes and let out a shaky breath, carefully controlling his voice. "Spit it out flea, what other bullshit are you planning?!" He stated matter-of-factly.

"I am in love with you, Shizuo," Izaya paused waiting for Shizuo's reaction.

He wasn't surprised to see Shizuo scowl, "Don't fucking say shit like that. You disgusting liar!" He growled, clenching his fist. "I had a feeling you would say something like that," Izaya smiled and continued, "But this time I am not lying to you, and I swear to you on everything that I am. I have been in love with you from the very beginning. I am not telling you for any other reason besides simply informing you. And this," He walked over to Shizuo's shocked expression and kissed him with the most passion he could utter, years of love, admiration and a final goodbye. He left a note in his hand, the new deed to his home under Shizuo's name, he figured Shizuo could sell it or rent it. Along with Shizuo's paid apartment other papers, with a final goodbye written along with it.

Izaya walked away, giving Shizuo a final smile and disappearing into the darkness of Ikebukuro.

Fully prepared to meet his end, he left to the tower. Careful to not be followed, he ascended the final floor to the building and watched over the city on the roof.

"How many years have I been waiting for this?" He laughed into the air, directing his message to himself, "Orihara Izaya," He repeated his name. He was finally going to be set free from his split personality, the tears streamed down his face, the first time he regained control of his own body from that monster and he would end it here. He laid on his back against the concrete, holding his note in his left hand and ending his life with the other.

The hot liquid burned out of him, the pain was immense, but it was easier than the years of pain he had to live with. He smiled and turned on his side, into a light fetal position so the blood would drain faster. His eyes blurred, and for a moment, he saw a man that looked like Shizuo. Perhaps the loss of blood was making him delusional, more than he already was. He let out his last tears and closed his eyes for good.

Or at least he thought.

AN:

Hello everyone, I hope you are enjoying this so far. This will continue and it will contain longer chapters, however, the first 2 are short for emphasis on the emotion. I will see to the end of this story as it is something that I feel strongly about and I can deeply relate to the themes. I do not wish for this to be offensive or upsetting to anyone. I also have a diagnosis of DID and Severe Chronic Depression. Anyone that is feeling like this I strongly encourage to see a licensed therapist or seek help. You are not alone and there is someone who loves you.

See you guys on the next one!


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